My mom hails from a family which has a strong affinity towards carnatic music. So that’s how I got into singing or was rather pushed into. My mother in particular is a very good classical singer and her sisters are equally proficient. Thus all my cousin sisters were injected with carnatic classes when they were small and soon they too became good singers or very good singers. So it’s like a musical family, at family functions all girls were forced sing and we guys used to simply stare at them. But as my mother didn’t have any daughters I was made the scape goat, at an early age I was taught a few songs and was forced to sing. Sometimes I had to join with my cousin sisters and u could imagine how embarrassing it would be.. But then it was kind of a good feeling to sing with my cousins. But later as I grew up I withdrew and now, have joined with the audience.
So this was one of my most tragic parts of my school life, I had studied in tirunelveli till 3rd and was new to my school mahatma at 4th. Here in mahatma they allocated an hour each day for co-curricular, but then I didn’t know what that word meant. On the first day my teacher called me and said,” what co-curricular you want to choose”, I kept staring. She understood me and said “select one from these “karate, chess, music, mirundhangam, skating, and guitar. But that word music hit me and didn’t bother to listen what she said after that. I quickly mumbled “music... miss “. I was always fascinated by keyboards and guitars and other orchestra equipments… so there was no other choice that came into my mind. My teacher shot me a small smile. Puzzled I went back to our class.
After a day or two, we had our first co-curricular class. This class was common for the entire 4th std (like an elective) so the classrooms were different. I approached my teacher and asked for the directions, she quickly glanced at a group of my class girls “join them”. I gulped and moved closer to them. Perhaps our class boys had already left. Then those girls started running. This part it’s still very fresh in my mind. I had no other option but to follow them. But they ran like as though a dog was chasing them. I clenched my teeth and ran behind them. This was my most embarrassing moment back then. Finally they stopped at a small room and all of them squeezed through a puny door. I followed them and stopped at the edge of the door and had the shock of my life.
The room was filled with layers and layers of girls and girls only. My heart stopped, my eyes quickly scanned the entire room for any hope. There were no guitars, no keyboards nothing but a shruti box. I realized the inevitable, I had joined vocal music. My heart started beating again soon, there were a small or very small group of boys about 4 or 5 sitting in a corner with a satisfied smile curled upon their lips. One more idiot to join them. I quietly crossed the layers and joined them. The first thing that came to my mind is ‘I have to change’. When I returned home, my mom shot at me a very huge smile. I knew she has heard the news too. (My mom worked in the same school). I just said, ’I’m going to change it’. But eventually I could not due to several reasons, mentioning of them will make it lengthy. So soon the news spread like fire about a new boy in music class. And all girls giggled when I walked in the corridors. But soon I got used to it and they too stopped. In music we were taught various carnatic songs and several ragas which I kept forgetting, all were one and the same to me. But soon I loved singing. It was kind of fun. Our small room bellowed with our voices, when I was happy; I would sing loud and when sad; would sing even more louder. Singing gave me pleasure and satisfaction. It was as though I could feel my soul while singing.
As years passed by, there were a few drop outs in our music class and soon I became the main feature (in boys) and I started performing in stage and in culturals. But always in a group, my teachers were not confident on me and so was I in doing a solo. But I liked singing in a group, I had never to worry about the thalam or the raga, the girls would take care of it, I had to just sing along with them. Sometimes it was 5 girls and just me. You can imagine how awkward it would be. But it didn’t matter much that time. But suddenly after a few years I was vexed of singing and thankfully our classes were over but still I was forced to sing on school functions or Tamil dramas where a boy voice was required.
So let’s come to our competition, I was in my 11th std, one day I was informed that there is a singing competition adjoining bhartiyar’s birthday and I was required to represent our school. Furthermore it a competition only for boys, so I perfectly understood why they wanted me. Immediately I refused, but they forced me through my mother who was more than happy to involve me. Reluctantly I agreed and started learning a bhartiyar song from my mom; it was a pain staking process. When singing along with my mother I sang perfectly but singing alone I simply forgot the lines or the tune itself. After few days of rigorous training, finally the day arrived.
There were other competitions too like drawing, writing etc., few boys accompanied me, we were all geared up for the occasion. I kept humming to myself till I reached the venue and was very nervous that I kept forgetting the tune and shruti. But I was determined and kept practicing. I reached our hall and had look at my counter parts, all of them looked ordinary and relaxed. Suddenly a bolt of confidence struck me and realized after all I can do it. Atleast a 3rd prize will suffice.
There were a few participants before me and they sang ordinarily it was nothing exceptional, my confidence bred. And finally I was about to perform. I got up nervously and walked towards the judges. They signaled me to start. I did. It was a perfect start, the shruti and words were just perfect and it went on for two lines……….. and then suddenly as though I had short term memory loss, everything became blank. I stammered and came to a stop. I hit my head with my palm. The judges looked at me with a sense to urge me forward and after 2 or 3 seconds I regained my words and sang, but it was not like how I started. My confidence level was 1000 feet below sea level. I changed my tune and words scrambled. But I managed to finish. I hung my head in dismal and staggered to my place…………. It was all over. But the good news is that no one from our school heard it. I soon came out and said my friends who had participated in other events ‘ I did well da, I’m expecting a prize’ but deep down I knew, it was down to ashes and promised myself again to never ever sing in a competition or even casually in front of a group. But recently had to… and the results were similar too ;)
